Believing in the Unknown

Here is an unpublished post from about a year ago.

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The last time I came here to write on my blog I was writing in a state of despair and confusion. I was desperately gripping onto my hope in Yahweh even though I couldn't see an answer to my struggles. I honestly felt at that time that I couldn't go on. I felt as if I was about to fall off the edge, that I wouldn't be able to finish my degree. I was feeling the weight of problems that weren't entirely my own but could find no way to shake them. Little by little I was being crushed and more and more I had been locking myself away from the world. When my friends asked me to hang out I made excuses in order to keep alone. The pressure of being okay and happy around them was often too great. Of course, during this time there were moments when I showed my weakness and each time my friends were there to pick me up. I am eternally grateful to them for standing by me. Despite that, however, I continued to feel alone. It was at this time that God showed his mercy in my life and rescued me again. He never fails me.

God sent someone wonderful into my life and through him He has shown me His great love for me. Just when I was going to break he strengthened me. Just when I doubted myself the most - going crazy with the idea of not being able to help the people I loved - he believed in me and gave me the confidence in myself that I could go on. I am constantly being reminded now that God will never give me something that, with faith, I cannot endure. On my own I know I would utterly be overtaken but in Him I will always find a strong fortress. I knew all of these things before. I knew it. But I couldn't see it. I was the man crying out, "Lord I believe, help my unbelief!" and now I can see again. I am trusting in Yahweh not just because of trust in His faithfulness in the future, but right now, in the middle of all the mess, He is showing Himself to me in this very moment. It is incredible. My Father knew that I needed help and so he sent it. He knew I needed someone that I could talk to at any moment in the day, about anything on my mind, and He brought me that person.

I was talking to my friend this morning about grocery shopping, finals, and God's faithfulness to us. I told her,

Jacob and Lydia: The Beginnings

There was a certain night that I knew was going to be special. It wasn't really very different than other nights we had gone out for dinner... but this time. Well, the day before had been a hell of an emotional roller coaster and this night was bringing the clearest sense of peace and belongingness that I hadn't felt... ever.

Unfailing Love

The last time I came here to write on my blog I was writing in a state of despair and confusion. I was desperately gripping onto my hope in Yahweh even though I couldn't see an answer to my struggles. I honestly felt at that time that I couldn't go on. I felt as if I was about to fall off the edge, that I wouldn't be able to finish my degree. I was feeling the weight of problems that weren't entirely my own but could find no way to shake them. Little by little I was being crushed and more and more I had been locking myself away from the world. When my friends asked me to hang out I made excuses in order to keep alone. The pressure of being okay and happy around them was often too great. Of course, during this time there were moments when I showed my weakness and each time my friends were there to pick me up. I am eternally grateful to them for standing by me. Despite that, however, I continued to feel alone. It was at this time that God showed his Love in my life and rescued me again. He never fails me.

Learning to Praise

Do you ever feel alone?

I do.

Do you ever feel inadequate?

I do.

Do you ever look around and see a world that seems perfect and wonder how you keep managing to mess yours up? Do you sit surrounded by friends smiling and laughing but feel profoundly sad at the same time? Afraid to go home at the end of the night?

Me. That's me. me. me.

So this is it. I've landed on it. I've found the words to express what has been giving me so much trouble lately. I've been kept awake at night with so many thoughts. I have been worrying about so many things that wisdom tells me is best to leave unnamed. I have developed a defence mechanism to deal with these sorts of things and it is that I pretend that everything is okay, that its not real, or that I can handle it. I am trying to break that habit so I hate that I can't be candid with y'all. Because the reason why I write is because I don't want to be fake. I don't want to be one of those bloggers who has the solution for everything. I struggle too. I struggle so much. And it is so important to me that I share this because the ideal of a perfect image is probably the most damaging influence in my life personally - something I am hoping that my honesty will keep others from experiencing as well. But, there are times for everything and at the moment it is best to leave some things unspoken. Just please understand that my silence in this moment is not the same as me pretending. I am not trying to be perfect.

Mustard Greens

Cheesy bean and rice burrito with sides of collard greens with mixed vegetables and grapes.

One of my favorite kinds of places in the entire world are farmer's markets. A close second are the produce sections in the grocery store. I love to skip through the aisles flitting from one bin to another to admire all of the fresh food. I constantly get distracted and forget what vegetable I had originally intended to buy and, if I'm not careful, I will end up bringing strange fruits and vegetables to the check out counter and then make the check out take twice as long because I am too busy telling the cashier how I am going to cook it when I get home.

SO

If this is the case at the grocery store... imagine me at the farmers market.

Last Saturday I went with my roommate and another co-worker to the local farmer's market here in Pensacola. I had a blast! There is so much to see at this market. People will come all the way from Alabama just to set up here in Pensacola. There are a lot of craft like tables that sell things such as homemade clothes, toiletries, jewelry, games, yard decorations, household items, pottery - just about anything you can think of. The food tables are equally diverse. There are baked goods, fresh produce, refreshing drinks, snacks, jams, jellies, kettle corn, honey, preserved meat, fresh meat, different grains... There is also a lot of music there. A bluegrass band comes every week along with several solo musicians. People will play guitar, piano, banjo, violin, drums, and even foreign instruments that I don't recognize. This market is the place to be.

Can Thorns Be Beautiful?

I really don't know how to start this. There are so many places where I could begin. I am learning that stories do not always have a real beginning. A time when the story didn't exist and then it began. It has always been there, its just that we haven't been able to see it. Its like saying a rose bush doesn't exist just because you haven't seen the blossom yet.

I'll begin with the roots.

My father used to play drums, piano and guitar. My mother used to make explosives in her backyard. 

I played piano and jumped out of trees.

So my parents decided to put me in gymnastics.

I enjoyed my days at the gymnasium and found a safe outlet for my wildness. I would run laps around the mat, do stretches, climb the rope, swing on the bars, jump from the vault, and balance on the beam. I learned flips and tricks and handstands. I could do cartwheels on the beam. First at floor level then little by little higher until I was at the highest level. Next up was learning to do handstands on the beam. I could already do them on the mat. But I began to collapse. In the middle of cartwheels or handstands my arms would give way and I would crumple into a pile on the floor. At first I thought it was a balance issue so I kept trying. My instructor and parents were concerned, and when my arms and wrists began to hurt I realized too that there was a problem. I quit gymnastics and began to visit the doctors.

We went to countless doctors. All of them ignored my problems and told us it was growing pains. They told me to wear a wrist brace indefinitely. We went to CVS and tried on different braces and picked out black ones. As soon as we checked it out we opened the package and I put them on. It was a relief for my injured wrists and I was glad to have them. I wore them all day, everyday. I went to bed with them on, took showers with them on, I played baseball with them on. I never took it off. My skin inside the braces began to turn white and softened and the whole thing stank. We began to take them them off to wash them but while they were off I would sit quietly and not move. My muscles began to atrophy.

“Organ Favorites” - Lynne A. Lauderdale

Hello Everyone, I don't have anything new for y'all but I wrote something earlier in the semester and have been disappointed that I had no use for it. I was trying to write a concert report for one of my classes but I realized that his one wasn't valid because it was merely a recital with only one person playing. If  there had been at least one other person performing in the recital I would have been able to use this bit for academic purposes but alas, the recital did not fit the criteria for the assignment. I have been so peeved about it all this time that I have finally decided to publish this as a blog post here on Experience. Enjoy. :)

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I have been looking forward to attending Dr. Lynne Lauderdale organ recital because the instrument has always held a special place in my heart and because I have never been to an organ recital before. She played six pieces, three of which I took special notice of.