Healing the Breach

[I wrote this during the summer of 2011]

Okay so here is my chance to say anything I want about myself... so here it goes.

Having always lived in a christian home I have never gone a day without knowing Christ, but growing up Baptist I never felt as if  belonged to him because I never had a conversion experience like everybody talked about. Oh sure I said the sinners prayer, I was baptised along with my friends but nothing ever changed and I doubted my salvation. It was a source of constant worry. "I am going to burn in Hell!" I lay in bed at night thinking about it and getting so scared. I "gave" my life to Christ multiple times during those years.

I had a happy childhood. We moved multiple times but it didn't bother me. At one point we owned some land and we boarded horses. One of them we owned and his name was Stormy. He was lots of fun, I remember him knocking me off, and pretty often at that. It was either standing still, a grudging walk if Mom held him by the reigns, or a jog around the pasture that knocked us little tikes right off.

After that house we moved to Taylors. Our neighbor hood was right next to a plastic factory. Ick! It stunk so bad, on some days we wouldn't even go outside. We started going to Heritage Bible church. I made some friends and always had fun. I was the girl that ran through the halls having the greatest time. I played with the boys or girls, whichever suited my fancy that day. While we went to this church my mom got baptised. I remember thinking when I saw her up there. "She was never a Christian before?" I was confused and I felt betrayed. Mom was never a Christian??? Also I remember once while we were singing a song, some young man passed out and slumped against his neighbors shoulder. That scared me, he was taken to the hospital, everything was all right.

We went there for a while then started going to Blue Ridge Presbyterian church. That is where I met my friend Catie, and we are still in contact. The preaching was fine there, but there was no fellowship. We soon started going to another church, a Sovereign Grace Church. It met in a hotel because they didn't have a building yet. There we had good preaching and good fellowship.

But we didn't go there long we were moving to Missouri! At first I was excited, this was going to be great! We were going to live right close to our grandparents that had a pool and whom we visited almost every year. But soon that time turned into a nightmare. A sibling of mine did not like the fact we were moving from all our friends. Not just a local move but to an entire other state. This person went into rebellion and made our lives miserable. I was genuinely scared and genuinely hated that person. I literaly would not have cared one bit if that person up and died. I clung to my two other siblings and tried to make some kind of unity. I organized a little club for us and we would have meetings and play games. I would have run away except for the fact that I felt as if I had to protect them. Once I came downstairs and saw Mom crying over an email. Hate boiled up inside me for the person causing all this pain.

 That year we were sent to camp. The Wilds. I had gone there two times before so I knew what it was like. But this time I was in the teen camp because I was twelve years old. It was a great week lots of fun. While there I stumbled along one of my siblings friends. He was asking me about the person and why my sibling was doing all this. He was hurt and I could hear it in his voice. Well I was hurt too and I probably wasn't much of a help to him. We were sitting on the fence outside of the chapel.

It was getting towards the end of the week when a sermon was preached in the evening. That sermon changed my life. It was about bitterness. At the end of it I was in tears, the preacher had everybody close their eyes. If anybody in the room felt like they needed to talk to somebody then they were welcome to leave their seats and sit on the benches outside. I got up and sat and waited and waited. Finally one of the counselors came to me. I told her everything and we prayed. I did not want to be bitter towards my sibling anymore. That is the night I began letting go some of my anger.

Well it took a long time but things began to settle down. The rebellious sibling came back home. It took a long time but our family got adjusted to each other once more. We had been going to a church called Christ Covenant Presbyterian Church. We continued to go there and that was the first time I saw an infant baptism, children taking communion and the first time I tasted real wine. We went there up until just two years ago.

Because of the drive we kinda went back and forth between that church and Pisgah Baptist Church. I went to youth group there. But always the quiet one. Don't get to close to someone, they might turn around and hurt you. 

(We went to both Pisgah and Christ Covenant during the time of my siblings rebellion and afterwards)

My parents started teaching us new things. We were Covenant children, it was okay to take communion. We started having family worship. Two years ago I met my best friend Kayla. She and her family taught me a lot of things. They lived with us for a while because they didn't have a house. With sixteen people in one house there was a lot of work to do. I worked hard and so did Kayla. Still having that seed of hate, that past hurt, I began resenting my mother and sister because I felt they didn't work as hard as me. I began complaning to my friends putting them in a bad light. The Davis's moved back down to Louisiana and I blew up. Not as much on the outside. I wasn't going to do what my sibling did, but mostly on the inside. I was angry, felt as if I wasn't appreciated, and was depressed. Throwing slander for my mother around to my friends, always complaining, and sticking to my room. I had some times when I shouted at my parents. But I never let things go too far outwardly. I had finally forgiven my sibling and I loved my sibling with all my heart and said so. But now my anger towards that person was directed else where. I still had not let it all go.

We started a church, Christ Our Redeemer Church. It is in the CPC denomination. It began as just get togethers and we sang songs and prayed. Dad played the piano with gusto it was fun. Sometimes we would listen to a sermon online. Two years ago our pastor came down from Illinois. Now I am the pianist for our church. Something I've wanted to do since I was five years old.

At some point I went to my mother and confessed to her what I had been doing. It hurt her. It really did, she had tears in her eyes and she sounded... hurt. She forgave me and I apologised to my friends and I worked on changing my ways. But I was still angry, I bottled it up tightly and was still depressed. Then that's when everything changed.

January 14, 2011 my baby brother was born, the same day our house burned down. The government again got involved in our lives and took control of my brothers first few weeks on this earth. I was in emotional turmoil. Hadn't I had enough already?! God why? Why, why why! My question was answered. "Lydia straighten up. Look around you, things can be a lot worse. Your father could be in jail, you could have attended your mothers funeral, your baby brother could have been put up for adoption, you could be in a girls home right now." My life turned around. All hatred is gone from me. I now live to glorify my Creator, who, got everybody miraculously out of the house before it burned down, and whom, without I would have no purpose.

(Read the full version of January 14, on the "My New Beginning" page.)

I hope that through my personal testimony you would be encouraged to keep going. Whatever your going through right now there is a reason for it. I would have never had this relationship with my Creator if I had not gone through so much; if he had not took me to my breaking point and showed me just who I am compared to him.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans that I have for you, says the LORD, plans of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.