The last time I came here to write on my blog I was writing in a state of despair and confusion. I was desperately gripping onto my hope in Yahweh even though I couldn't see an answer to my struggles. I honestly felt at that time that I couldn't go on. I felt as if I was about to fall off the edge, that I wouldn't be able to finish my degree. I was feeling the weight of problems that weren't entirely my own but could find no way to shake them. Little by little I was being crushed and more and more I had been locking myself away from the world. When my friends asked me to hang out I made excuses in order to keep alone. The pressure of being okay and happy around them was often too great. Of course, during this time there were moments when I showed my weakness and each time my friends were there to pick me up. I am eternally grateful to them for standing by me. Despite that, however, I continued to feel alone. It was at this time that God showed his Love in my life and rescued me again. He never fails me.
God sent someone wonderful into my life and through him He has shown me His great love for me. Just when I was going to break he strengthened me. Just when I doubted myself the most - going crazy with the idea of not being able to help the people I loved - he believed in me and gave me the confidence in myself that I could go on. I am constantly being reminded now that God will never give me something that, with faith, I cannot endure. On my own I know I would utterly be overtaken but in Him I will always find a strong fortress. I knew all of these things before. I knew it. But I couldn't see it. I was the man crying out, "Lord I believe, help my unbelief!" and now I can see again. I am trusting in Yahweh not just because of trust in His faithfulness in the future, but right now, in the middle of all the mess, He is showing Himself to me in this very moment. It is incredible. My Father knew that I needed help and so he sent it. He knew I needed someone that I could talk to at any moment in the day, about anything on my mind, and He brought me that person.
I was talking to my friend the other day about grocery shopping, finals, and God's faithfulness to us. I told her,
"I feel like the end of this semester is like that one part in the book The Dawn Treader from the Chronicles of Narnia and they were trapped in the middle of the ocean in a foggy dark spot where all around them their worst nightmares became real life and they had nowhere to run to... And somehow the current or some other force brought them out of the horror. The boat breaking free from the fog and coasting into the golden sunshine. It was beautiful."
"That's exactly how it feels." She said, "This semester was hell."
"But the Unknown Force has brought us through... and to us He's not unknown at all."
"I LOVE THAT Everyone talks about that 'something' and we know exactly who it is."
When she said that about people believing in "something"... I'm not sure how to describe it but I felt all at once pity for those who don't feel the same assurance that I do.
Recently a friend of mine from my days in Missouri passed away. She was only two years older than me. At first I didn't really feel anything but when I walked into the sanctuary for the funeral service everything hit me. I saw her beautiful face and her green blouse... and her brother. I saw him and then I broke down. He and I had similar relationships with our older siblings. Throughout the service I would choke up. Crying more. Blurry vision. I remembered a part of my life I hadn't thought of in a while.
To think some people go through things like this and all they have is that "something" leaves me feeling exposed. My heart gets a feeling that I can find no words to describe.
To think that just a month ago I was living in a constant state of trepidation, depression, and desperate hope leaves me in awe of what He has done.
I don't know exactly what my future will look like but I am confident in my Father's plan for me. I still have many of the same problems as before but now Yahweh has given me someone who will strengthen me in my weakness. I know I can do it.
I will lift my eyes to the hills-
From when comes my help?
My help comes from Yahweh,
Who made heaven and earth.
He will not allow your foot to be moved;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, He who keeps Israel
Shall neither slumber nor sleep.
Yahweh is your keeper;
Yahweh is your shade at your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day,
Nor the moon at night.
Yahweh shall preserve you from all evil;
He shall preserve your soul.
Yahweh shall preserve your going out and your coming in
From this time forth, and even forevermore.
For the first time in a long while I can read this Psalm and know it as truth.