Thursday, July 16, 2015

Tonight I Sit

Insomnia. I'm not sure if I have it or not but sometimes, like tonight, even though I am sleepy, I can't seem to fall asleep.

I tossed and turned in my bed. I curled up into a tiny ball. I hugged my pillow so tight that the feathers were about to burst. I talked to my sister. (One of the perks of sharing a room. Also one of the drawbacks if you are the one sleeping and your sister is the one who can't.) I got down from my bed and did some sit-ups in the middle of the floor. Finally I announced to my sleepy roommate that I was going outside to listen to some music.

Conveniently, I took a picture of this honeysuckle blossom a few nights ago. I can say that it is supposed to represent the sweet thoughts that came to me out of the dark night. ;)
As quietly as possible I opened the cantankerous piece of wood that we call a door and slipped out into the muggy Florida night. The air was heavy and the bugs were thick. I picked my way across the driveway to the sidewalk, being careful not to step on any toads, and sat myself down in the broken beach chair that was abandoned there after our last trip to the lake. Of course, because my hair is so thick and long and crazy, in the short amount of time it took me to get out there my earphones got all tangled up in my unruly locks. After extracting the wires from my hairy mess I was finally able to turn my music on.

When my brain is conspiring against me and just won't shut the heck up, I like to listen to rap music. It gives my brain no choice but to focus on those words, those thoughts, instead of my own. Now, I hate that I have to say this but listen - I'm a Christian and I listen to rap. Those two items are not exclusive. Rap is simply a style and it is only the words, the message, that decides the whether or not something is wholesome to be listening to. Anyways, to get back to my point, I gave my brain something else to focus on instead of my own fickle, elusive thoughts. A bug crawled in between my toes and I flicked it out. A cool summer breeze lifted some of the weight from the air. The motion sensor porch light turned on and off periodically and the occasional helicopter flew overhead. The sound of the bugs droned on and managed to work itself past my earbuds into my actual ears, infiltrating my music.

After a while my thoughts began to collect themselves, they returned to me and no longer seemed to be running away into the night. My music reflected that change and as my thoughts calmed so did my music. I found myself listening to peaceful piano instrumentals. As I peered into the dark sky a feeling of gratefulness flew into my heart and the idea "Maybe God gives me sleepless nights so that I can contemplate what He has done for me." was planted into my mind. "I have hot water that comes straight from the faucet." I thought to myself. I sat there in the dark, smiling, with a laugh on the precipice of my lips. Really, the laugh was about to spill out, it was really just sitting there on the edge of my mouth about to slip out at any moment. I caught it though and pulled it back in because I didn't want to startle our dogs and make them bark and wake up my dad.

Today I sent my job application in. Tomorrow I need to sign for my student loan. Friday morning I'm going to pray at the abortion clinic.

Tonight though I sit. Tonight I say thank you. 

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