Monday, March 2, 2015

Sunday School: Job

Yesterday during Sunday School there was a lot to think about.

We are going through the book of Job so I knew there were going to be a lot of things that would hit me personally... but today I was just blown away on how seamlessly all of this fits into my own story.

The one thing that I remember the most, (I wish I took notes!) is the fact that even though Job did not reject God he was still not able to see God. Job desperately wanted to see his Lord but he just could not. If you have a background similar to mine you will right away understand the significance of this statement.
For years I felt that all my troubles, every bad thing that happened to me was because I had sinned in some way, that I had rejected God and now he was punishing me. My decision to walk away from God is what caused all of the terror in my life.

It is a very confusing thing to believe. I still prayed, at least sometimes. Although mostly I wallowed in my misery, or tried to escape it through books and music, sometimes I would plead for God to take all of it away, my constant question was "God why?". I admit there were times when I yelled at God; there were times when the whispers Satan planted in my heart that was so desperate for answers led me to consider, and almost act upon, some pretty horrifying things. God stopped me, but thinking back on what was almost reality still causes my soul to tremble. My situation was so mixed up. I'm still not sure if I rejected God entirely in those times. Is the scared cry of a little child really one of someone who has chosen to walk away from hope, from life? Despite the fact that just moments before she was cursing God? Is it the agony of someone who sees no hope but desperately wants help - and is angry that none is coming? Maybe it's a little of both.

I was actually talking with my brother about this idea a few days ago. I was saying that someone could be in such a terrible situation that they just don't see any way out and that we need to be understanding of them and to not accuse them of sin and instead offer them our love and show them Hope. It hadn't occurred to me at that point to apply this principle to my own life. The idea that one can not see God and feel utterly lost, does not necessarily mean that the person was the one who did the blind folding, coming from my Pastors mouth and not just my own,and finally realizing that it is just as true for me as for anyone else, is a confirmation that I needed to hear.

Maybe what really happened to me is I was blindfolded, and even though I was scared and wanted it gone, I was so angry that it was put there in the first place that I held on to the scrap of fabric and wouldn't let go. I don't know. I don't want to have bad theology, but this is me being open, and sharing with y'all my honest thoughts. I think it is important for others to hear for two reasons. You may have never been through anything like this and reading this will help to open your eyes to the reality of a broken soul and that its not something that people can just snap out of. Secondly, you may be someone who has been through rough times, or maybe your going through trials right now, and hearing about my experience and hearing my sincere thoughts, even if I don't have answers, may help you in someway.

God bless you all, and may we ever grow in His grace and forgiveness.

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