Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Have I Learned To Be Content?

Philippians 4:11 - Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.

I was thinking about this today, sometimes I think I have learned to be content and sometimes not.

Some things I worry about: My future, how I look, our country, my brother; who, when, or even if, I am going to be married. Will I be a good wife, a good mother? Does my worrying mean I doubt God? Sometimes I am not content with my family, or myself even. I wish I was better.

But then again, here are some things I do not worry about: My future, how I look, our country, my brother; who, when, or even if, I am going to be married. Will I be a good wife, a good mother? I know that I do not doubt God. I am content with my family and could wish for no different, I am content with myself, and I do the best I can.

Why did I repeat the same list? Sometimes when I get to thinking, I start wondering about what's going to happen in my life, whats next? I want to know - now! Then almost every time, sometimes sooner, sometimes later, I remember what the Apostle Paul said, "I have learned to be content". I am reminded to trust God and I tell myself to wait. Gods timing is perfect.

One minute I worry, "Am I going to be married?" and then the next moment feel calm as I remind myself of God's sovereignty. That is why my two lists are the same. My feelings are like the quiet ebb of the tide, sometimes reaching out onto the beach, impatient to know the future; sometimes receding back to where I came from, content to wait.

I don't know what is going to happen, I don't suppose I ever will. Have I learned to be content? I used to yearn for the future, used to long for that which I did not know, wanted to see everything. This put me into such a state of distress that I would be angry with the present. I would tell myself, "When I am older, when I finally get to the future, that's when I'll start living." and ignore the good that I was experiencing then.

Now I have a passing anxiousness only. I am content, yet eager to know.

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